I'm Training to Become a Cage Fighter

2007-07-06T21:00:00.000-04:00

2006-05-01T23:29:00.000-04:00

I've started a new site at myspace. Just go to:

http://www.myspace.com/magellanaandthemergonauts

Come check it out, homies!

An Online Publication

2006-01-04T07:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know, I know. Again I haven't posted in a long while. Holidays and such. Here's a little something for you to check out until I can return with a longer post. It's a poem of mine that was recently published in an online journal called Strange Horizons. Give it a read and tell me what you think. It's called "Swans Take Flight at My Father's Grave." (No, my father's not dead.)

Golden Globe Predictions

2005-12-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

Hey, everyone! It's been a helluva long time since I blogged, and I have to admit, the break was pretty nice. Anyway, on to my post...

This year's Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, and it was the Brokeback Mountain show all the way. Most of the nominations I agree with, but there seem to be a few glaring snubs, especially in the TV categories (no love for Arrested Development!).

I've made my predictions below for the major categories, including who I think should win and who I think actually will win. Sara and I have an annual contest between the two of us to pick the winners - I know, how nerdy are we? I usually win, but it's because I pick who I think will win and Sara always goes with her heart and picks who she wants to win.

Feel free to tell me your own predictions. You can find a full list of the nominees here.

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Brokeback Mountain
The Constant Gardener
Good Night, and Good Luck
A History of Violence
Match Point

Who should win - Brokeback Mountain / Who will win - Brokeback Mountain
This is the critics' favorite this year. It's already starting to sweep in the critics' awards. I think the only other movie that has a chance in this category is Violence, but it's a long shot.

BEST ACTRESS - DRAMA
Maria Bello, A History of Violence
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Gwenyth Paltrow, Proof
Charlize Theron, North Country
Ziyi Zhang, Memoirs of a Geisha

Who should win - Felicity Huffman / Who will win - Charlize Theron
Again, this year wasn't the year for leading women in movies. Most actresses blame the writing and lack of good roles (and I would have to agree with them), but nonetheless, someone still has to be nominated.

BEST ACTOR - DRAMA
Russell Crowe, Cinderella Man
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck

Who should win - Terrence Howard or Philip Seymour Hoffman / Who will win - Heath Ledger
...And again, this year has proven to be a great year for the men, altough audiences didn't flock to see these movies. Which is why I don't think Howard (who also did a great job in Crash) or Hoffman will win - they don't have the popularity that Ledger does from Mountain's contraversy.

BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
The Producers
The Squid and the Whale
Walk the Line

Who should win - Walk the Line / Who will win - The Squid and the Whale
The biggest problem that I have with this category is that The 40 Year Old Virgin wasn't nominated, and I'm not joking. I mean, Mrs. Henderson Presents... what the hell is that? Anyway, I think Squid, the critical fav, will win out, although the Cash biopic should.

BEST ACTRESS - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice
Laura Linney, The Squid and the Whale
Sarah Jessica Parker, The Family Stone
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Who should win - Reese Witherspoon / Who will win - Reese Witherspoon
Ditto the other Best Actress category, except that here Witherspoon is the clear frontrunner. She should take home the Oscar, too.

BEST ACTOR - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Pierce Brosnan, The Matador
Jeff Daniels, The Squid and the Whale
Johnny Depp, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Nathan Lane, The Producers
Cillian Murphy, Breakfast on Pluto
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line

Who should win - Joaquin Phoenix / Who will win - Jaoquin Phoenix
Like Witherspoon in her category, I think he's the man to beat (with the Globes and on Oscar night). I do wish, though, that Steve Carell had been nominated for The 40 Year Old Virgin - he made that movie more than just a juvenile run-of-the-mill comedy; he made it a classic. I don't think he would've won, and I'm glad he was nominated for The Office, but it still would've been nice.

BEST DIRECTOR
Woodey Allen, Match Point
George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Peter Jackson, King Kong
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Fernando Meirelles, The Constant Gardener
Steven Spielberg, Munich

Who should win - Ang Lee / Who will win - Ang Lee
Lee took home the Golden Lion award at this year's Venice Film Festival. After the debacle that was The Hulk, he chose to helm this smaller (pardon the pun) movie about gay cowboys that's taking the critics by storm. It'll take home several Globes and several Oscars, among other critics' awards.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Commander in Chief
Grey's Anatomy
Lost
Prison Break
Rome

Who should win - Lost / Who will win - Lost
Lost is by far the best show on television right now (although I think 24 and The Shield should've been nominated). It is loved by critics and audiences alike, so I think it'll ride the wave to a Globe win. If any of these shows pull an upset, it'll be Chief.

BEST ACTRESS - TV DRAMA
Patricia Arquette, Medium
Glenn Close, The Shield
Geena Davis, Commander in Chief
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Polly Walker, Rome

Who should win - Glenn Close / Who will win - Geena Davis
Davis will win out of sheer popularity, although Arquette could pull an upset (as she did at this year's Emmys). Close should win for her outstanding work on The Shield - she brought her greatness to an already great show.

BEST ACTOR - TV DRAMA
Patrick Dempsey, Grey's Anatomy
Matthew Fox, Lost
Hugh Laurie, House
Wentworth Miller, Prison Break
Kiefer Sutherland, 24

Who should win - Kiefer Sutherland or Matthew Fox / Who will win - Hugh Laurie
Laurie's brooding Sherlock Holmesian doctor will take home the prize because of House's popularity. Just wait until the sixth season of The Sopranos - Gandolfini will slay this category next year.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Entourage
Everybody Hate Chris
My Name is Earl
Weeds

Who should win - Curb Your Enthusiasm / Who will win - Desperate Housewives
See! I told you there was no love for Arrested Development! Or even for The Office! What's the deal? Enthusiasm is by far the funniest show nominated. Larry David is a genius. I would settle for any of these shows winning over Housewives (it sucks this season), but I think the women of Wisteria Lane will come out on top.

BEST ACTRESS - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives
Teri Hatcher, Desperate Housewives
Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
Eva Longoria, Desperate Housewives
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

Who should win - Felicity Huffman / Who will win - Felicity Huffman
Hmmm... I'm surprised the Housewives foursome was nominated again this year, due to lackluster episodes and dwindling ratings, but here you go. It might be nice if Parker won, but don't count on it.

BEST ACTOR - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Zach Braff, Scrubs
Steve Carell, The Office
Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jason Lee, My Name is Earl
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

Who should win - Steve Carell or Larry David / Who will win - Jason Lee
Tough call. (Where art thou, Jason Bateman?) All these shows are great, and all these guys are the reasons they're great. David's won before, so I think Carell's most deserving, but Lee will win because of Earl's popularity and newness (even though Sheen and Braff did some of their best work this past year). I'm just glad Matt LeBlanc wasn't nominated again for Joey.

Caption Contest Winner!

2005-11-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks, everyone, for posting your captions. All of them were hilarious (Jenny, especially that picture manipulation of Brad, even though it wasn't really a caption). After much deliberation, I've chosen a winner. But first, I'd like to give honorable mentions to the following captions:

"Sure he looks the part, but can he fly?" -- by luke the good

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... the world's biggest skeeter!" -- by baconlover

"Duh duh duh duh. duh duh duh-duh duh-duh duh. Sanford and Son." -- by jen

And now... the moment you've been waiting for... the winner of my first caption contest...

Jonathan! Here's his winning caption:

"You have to put on your 3-D glasses for this picture to work."

And there you have it. Check back often for my next caption contest!

Caption Contest!!!

2005-11-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

I stumbled across this picture on another blog and thought it was hilarious, so I've decided to hold a caption contest. Submit your caption, and I'll pick the one I think is best.

The Hi-larious Comedy of Mitch Hedberg

2005-11-09T08:45:00.000-05:00

Sadly, comedian Mitch Hedberg passed away earlier this year (March 30). He was only thirty-seven years old. But during his short life he was able to give the world some of the funniest one-liners ever. And his delivery was like no other - dry and almost monotone, with a hint of a stoner/hip-hop accent. He has been called "an American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs." Many of you have probably heard at least part of one of his routines before and didn't even know it.

A couple of my favorite jokes of his:

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic. Damn it, Otto, you have lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right."

"Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy... all damn day! In fact, if you wear a backpack and a turtle-neck, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

You might be wondering why I'm posting about someone who died several months ago. Well, I happened to stumble across a website that has a nice collection of videos of Hedberg's routines. Check them out. It's guaranteed to give you a laugh.

Deer Dash!!!

2005-11-07T09:05:00.000-05:00

Sara and I ran in a 5K race this Saturday in my grandparents' town - Monticello, GA (also the home of country music star and my long-ago babysitter - no joke - Trisha Yearwood). My mom and sister also ran, and the four of us had to get up at six in the morning to get to the town square in time to register. The race didn't start until eight AM. They gave us t-shirts that had a deer tail shaped into the Nike swoosh logo and below this it said "Just doe it." They could so get sued.

A 5K is just over three miles (3.107 to be exact). However, in Monticello it feels more like ten miles because of all the hills. The race starts in the town square, right in front of the courthouse, then moves on through a graveyard (creepy!), through someone's backyard (odd...), through several neighborhoods, and back to the square. Around the two mile point is where you hit all the hills, and there's one on Persons St. that is steep as hell and almost half a mile long. That's where most people stopped running and started walking.

I actually did pretty well. Out of about 200 people I came in 81st, and 5th in my age/gender group, with a total time of 29:23. Sara came in at 33:53 (6th in her age/gender group), and my mom and sister (Jan and Carra Hughes) came in with her. My mom actually won third place in her age/gender group and received a coffee mug proclaiming so. If you'd care to see the standings - I don't see why you would - just follow this link. The dude who won wins every year - he finished in about fifteen and a half minutes.

The Deer Dash is part of an annual Monticello festival called... wait for it... the Deer Festival. For those of you from a Southern small town, it's like any other annual small town festival, such as the Rattlesnake Roundup or the Watermelon Festival. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, watch the movie Waiting for Guffman and pay particular attention to their sesquicentennial festivities - the Deer Festival is exactly like that. Barefoot kids, old men with pot bellies and long beards, plump women looking at quilts, smells of BBQ and boiled peanuts - the Deer Festival has it all. It also had an old guy singing songs on a stage set up by the courthouse, and at one point he was doing a warbling rendition of "From a Distance." I think he hit the brown note a few times in there, too.

After we ran, Sara and I pigged out on boiled peanuts, turkey legs, and grilled corn on the cob, and we ate these under a tree in the town square. We've never felt more Southern.

May the Force be with George Lucas

2005-11-01T14:09:00.000-05:00

Today marks the DVD release of the final installment of the Star Wars movie franchise, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. However, this definitely does not mean the end of the franchise in general. Anyone who knows anything about George Lucas knows that he'll milk this cash cow until... well, until those cash cows come home.

While the prequels were mostly disappointing (although I would argue that Episode III was by far the best of the prequels and better than Return of the Jedi), I don't think that Star Wars is circling the drain by any means. The franchise simply needs to be saved from its own creator, Mr. Lucas himself. While his first trilogy redefined sci-fi cinema (and popular cinema as a whole), his second trilogy suffered under his CGI-over-story mentality. Evidence of this could be seen on certain web documentaries of the Episode III (which will be part of the special features on the DVD), when Lucas can be seen approving designs for General Grievous. At one point, he remarks, "Wow, I better get started on the script." Instead of working on the story, Lucas was more focused on the visual aspect and the special effects. The main complaint I had with the prequel trilogy was that its story (if it even had one) was not as engrossing as the original trilogy's.

But do not fret: even though Lucas has said there will be no more Star Wars movies, two outlets remain for the franchise, and I think these outlets will leave fans more satisfied - mainly because George Lucas has minimal involvment. First, there are Star Wars videogames. For years, these games were as crappy (and in some cases, crappier) as any other videogame based on a movie. However, in recent years the Star Wars games (the Galaxies series, Knights of the Old Republic series, and Battlefront series) have become some of the best games out there for both PC and console gamers. If you're a gamer and/or Star Wars fan, check out these games.

The other avenue is television. Cartoon Network has already been home to the series of animated Clone Wars shorts, which earned an Emmy, and now two - count 'em, two - new Star Wars shows are on the horizon. One is another animated series slated for 2006, which I believe will also deal with the Clone Wars. The other, slated for 2007, is a live-action series. Not much is known about it at this time, but since Lucas has said that he won't be involved much in the creation of the series, in order to pursue other projects, my Jedi senses are tingling with anticipation.
------------------------------
*** 11.07.05 - Update - Star Wars producer Rick McCallum recently gave an interview and discussed the TV show and Episodes VII, VIII, and IX.

Chillin' Like a Villain

2005-10-28T13:10:00.000-04:00

Freddy Krueger... Jason Voorhees... Dracula... the Wolfman... Waxhead. Everyone has a favorite movie monster or villain. At this time of the year, one of my favorites by the way, I like to watch scary movies. If I didn't have to work, I'd probably sit at home all day and watch horror movies around the clock. Alas, I have bills to pay...

A few of my favorites, you ask?

Sauron from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You can't get much scarier than a huge, flaming eye at the top of a tower. Those ringwraiths were pretty creepy, too.

The zombies from the original Night of the Living Dead. George A. Romero's classic movie redefined horror cinema, and his eerie lumbering undead devouring human flesh can still beat most horror movies today in the nightmare department.

One of the best actors to ever portray the Count onscreen was Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula. If you haven't seen this version of Bram Stoker's famous tale, you have to. And now's the best time of year to watch it. Turn the lights off, make your house a little chilly to add to the effect, and turn up the volume. I guarantee you'll have a hard time sleeping that night...

Who are your favorite movie evil-doers? You don't have to limit these to scary/horror movie monsters; any villain will do.

Ask a Grizzled Old Prospector

2005-10-26T11:04:00.000-04:00

Are you at a loss? Do you have a question and can't find an answer anywhere? You can stop looking, you silly bastard!

Welcome to the "Ask" series, where I invite a guest blogger to answer all of your pressing questions... about life, love, and all things in between. This week, a grizzled old prospector is here to address your life's most troublesome queries.

DeLay in DeDoo-Doo

2005-10-21T11:00:00.000-04:00

Another Republican has to face the music. Tisk, tisk. Will they ever learn? I just thought I'd post this picture because it made me laugh like hell. Former House majority leader (and notorious Bush buddy) Tom DeLay was indicted for conspiracy and money laundering, so he had to get fingerprinted and have his mugshot photo taken. As you can see, he's smiling like the dipshit that he is. Who smiles in a mugshot? (If you'd like to read about the charges against him, and other upstanding Republican leaders, click here or here.)

'Cheeseburger Bill' in Congress... WTF???

2005-10-20T11:54:00.000-04:00

Apparently, people are too stupid to realize that eating tons of fast-food can be bad for you. Who'da thunk it?

The House just passed what's known as the "Cheeseburger Bill," which will stop people from bringing lawsuits against fast-food chains for "making them fat." (You can read the CNN.com article here.)

The fact that our country has to pass legislation preventing people from blaming others for their own foibles makes me sad for humanity. Yes, obesity is a problem in our country. A big problem, pardon the pun. Forget terrorism and all that b.s. - the two biggest problems in America right now are obesity and education. We're stupid and fat.

And I think most of it stems from the "American" tendency to blame others for our own short-comings. When I say "short-comings" I'm not including something like poverty, which is something that most poverty-stricken people can't help. What I'm referring to is mainly... well, obesity and education. Parents and students alike want to place the blame for poor education on all kinds of sources, anything from the teachers to politicians to the word "evolution." I can tell you from my teaching experiences that the major reasons for our country's education problems lie in the students themselves (and subsequently the parents, as well) - the students don't respect teachers (because they're taught directly or indirectly that teaching is a worthless profession) and they simply don't want to learn. But I digress. Back to the topic at hand...

We need to take responsibility for our own health and well-being, instead of relying on the government to do it for us (Lord knows we don't need them interfering any more in our personal lives than they already do). What's next? Congress passing laws that prevent us from suing furniture manufacturers for making comfortable couches that cause us to sit around on our asses all day?

I recently began to take notice of my own unhealthy lifestyle. I've since started exercising every day and watching what I eat. You'd be surprised how many unnecessary calories sneak into your diet each day - even from foods that are advertised as "healthy." I'm not saying this to brag or point out how great I am or anything like that - I'm bringing it up just to say that for me this new-found health-consciousness has made me feel much better. Plus, I was starting to get a turkey neck, as you may can tell from my profile picture.

And I don't care if you cram McDonald's food down your throat all day, so long as you don't try to say that it's McDonald's fault you have a turkey neck.

South Park, Season Nine

2005-10-19T11:03:00.000-04:00

The ninth season of one of TV's best shows - South Park - begins tonight (Comedy Central, 10 pm). Apparently, the episode confronts the issue of Hurricane Katrina - one of South Park's neighboring towns floods.

Although loved by critics and viewers alike, some tend to see this show simply at face value. They see cursing, vulgarity, and violence and turn their noses, instead of seeing those things for what they are - satirical critiques of our screwed up world. Those who are able to "get past" these qualities know that South Park is one of the most ingenious satirical social commentaries ever on television. Plus, its creators - Trey Parker and Matt Stone - are funny as hell. (Besides South Park, you should check out the puppet-tastic movie Team America: World Police as well.)

Parker and Stone were interviewed by the Associated Press recently about the show. You can read the interview here.

And please, tune in to the show tonight. I'm not begging for viewers (as I am with, say, Arrested Development) - South Park is still Comedy Central's most-watched show. I'm simply reminding those of you who are fans, as well as hoping to introduce the uninitiated to a wonderful show. Even if you don't like it, the questions it raises will make you think or want to argue, which I know many of you love to do.

Worst Movies Ever or Guilty Pleasures?

2005-10-18T11:54:00.000-04:00

Admit it: If you own a lot of movies (or maybe even just a few), somewhere amongst your collection, or perhaps hidden away in the dusty confines of a sock drawer, are movies you're ashamed to love.

Now, I'm not referring to those movies that many people would consider, while cheesey, still good movies (i.e. Dirty Dancing or Ghost). I'm talking about movies of the SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 variety. Movies so bad that the DVD actually stinks a little, movies that your DVD player sometimes refuses to play, movies that have nearly melted those who've watched them (much like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark). Those movies.

Do you love Manos the Hands of Fate? Santa Claus Conquers the Martians maybe? Or does Glitter float your guilty boat?

Some of my favorite awful movies include, but are certainly not limited to:

* From Justin to Kelly - This movie musical is just too hokey to miss. And on top of the horrible lines, horrendous acting, and craptacular songs, this movie takes itself seriously.

Best moment: The one actually funny line in the whole movie occurs when Kelly tells Justin to sneak out of a restroom window, to which he replies, "My hair won't even fit through that."

* Gigli - Not only is this one of the worst movies, it is probably one of the worst titles ever. Amazingly, there is one thing about the movie that trumps the trainwreck that is Bennifer - the guy who plays the mentally challenged character Brian. He laughs, he raps, he loves Baywatch; and he plays his "handicap" differently in each scene. One minute he'll be mildly retarded, then the next he's severely Autistic like Rain Man, then he'll be completely normal.

Best moment: When Ben Affleck cuts off a dead guy's finger with a flimsy plastic knife.

* Piranha Part Two: The Spawning - One night a couple of friends and I had a total Mystery Science Theater 3000 moment with this one. Usually when you try to make funny comments about a movie you just end up sounding like a bunch of asses, but this movie was such an easy target.

Best moment: When a guy swims underwater for about thirty minutes on one breath.

* Leonard Part 6 - The Cos at his best/worst. It's great that there are no Leonards 1 through 5; that just adds to the suckiness.

Best moment: The climax of the movie when the Cos, decked out in his silver suit and quasi-futuristic helmet, rides an ostrich out of an exploding building.

So let me know of your guilty pleasure movies. (Note: The Internet Movie Database has a list of these types of movies called the Bottom 100.)

Review: Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

2005-10-14T08:58:00.000-04:00

For those of you who've never seen any of the Wallace & Gromit shorts, let me begin by saying that you've really missed out. If you haven't seen The Wrong Trousers or A Close Shave, go out right now and find the newly released DVD, which includes these and several more. For Oscar nominated (and two-time Oscar winner) creator/co-director Nick Park, this marks his first foray into feature film directing, and what a debut it is. (And as of the writing of this review, it's number one at the box office.)

To get the unfamiliar acquainted, Wallace (the human) is a British inventor who loves the simple things in life, especially cheese. Gromit (his dog) never speaks a word - You expect dogs to talk? Tisk, tisk. You've been watching too many Disney cartoons - but is clearly the more intelligent of the two. That's basically all you need to know. Now, on to the movie.

The Curse of the Were-Rabbit picks up with Wallace (voiced by Peter Sallis) and Gromit having their own pest control agency, Anti-Pesto. Their town is overrun by rabbits, and this is a major concern for the townsfolk since they are only days away from the annual gigantic vegetable festival. So Wallace and Gromit are called out to deal with the critters. On one of these outings, Wallace meets Lady Tottington (voiced by Helena Bonham Carter), by whom he is immediately smitten. However, he also meets "Totty's" fiance, Victor (voiced by Ralph Fiennes), who prefers shooting the rabbits to humanely trapping them as Anti-Pesto does. Speaking of which, from all the trapping, Wallace and Gromit have cages and cages of rabbits in their home, so they decide to use one of Wallace's inventions - a kind of brainwashing machine - to make the rabbits no longer want to eat vegetables. But in doing so, they inadvertantly create a monster known as the Were-Rabbit, which they must then find a way of stopping before it devours everyone's prized gigantic veggies.

The clay-mation in this film is not of the same ilk as something like The Corpse Bride: The puppets are not as "stream-lined" or sleek; in fact, they still bear the fingerprints of their creators. But this does not detract one bit from the movie. Wallace & Gromit have always had their own style, and this film is bursting with it from the very first notes of their familiar theme music. The voice-acting is excellent, and the story, while simple, is fun to watch unfold. There are plenty of winks at other famous movies (especially old monster movies) and many Shrek-style double-entendres thrown in for "grown-ups." And, plus, much of the movie is just plain funny (unlike most of today's so-called "comedies"). I would recommend this family movie to anyone.

Grade: A

Things That Make You Go... Bwaaaaaah?

2005-10-11T08:50:00.000-04:00

I know that all of you have seen or heard things that made you stop and stare in bewilderment. Maybe you said to yourself, "That's so stupid, I can't believe I just saw/heard that." The incident makes your brain feels like it's going to implode.

Example: I teach high school. Many of my students are, to put it nicely, not bright, so nearly every day I have at least one student say something so stupid that it actually makes me dumber just by hearing it. One particular instance comes to mind... All of my students were working on research papers, and I spent one whole day going over how to do outlines (you know, those things where you use letters and Roman numerals to organize your paper before you write it). A few days later the students were turning in their outlines. One student handed in his outline, and instead of having Roman numerals for each category he just had regular numbers. I must have made some kind of face while looking at his paper because he saw me staring at it and said (and this is the part that made my brain implode), "I had to use regular numbers because my computer keyboard didn't have Roman numerals."

I'll just give you a second to let that soak in...

Wait for it...

Yeah. Stupid, huh? And while I stared at him trying simultaneously not to laugh and have an aneurysm, another student said to this guy, "You dummy, Roman numerals are just capital I's and V's."

And here's another example, also from my experiences teaching: This happened in one of the college classes I've taught. We were right in the middle of a discussion on an essay when a student (his name was Hans) ripped the loudest, juiciest fart I've ever heard. The other students, of course, giggled nervously, but I was so stunned I didn't know how to respond. On the one hand it was pretty funny, so I wanted to laugh, but on the other hand I knew that since I was the professor I had to set a mature example. But before I could stop myself, my mouth opened and I realized I was about to laugh. I tried to stop myself from laughing, but instead a weird noise came out of my mouth (close approximation: Baaaaaaaaaaaah). And if that wasn't enough, I happened to be staring the guy eye-to-eye at the exact moment he let it rip, and he was giving me this look like, "What are you gonna do about it?"

So, what are some of these moments that you've experienced?

'05 Holiday Movie Season-- Huzzah!

2005-10-07T09:52:00.000-04:00

Whew! I thought the holiday movie season would never get here this year. After a dismal start to the year (Elektra, anyone?) and the usual few summer gems (Batman Begins, anyone?), the major studios are primed to release their Christmas blockbusters and Oscar hopefuls. The season is nearly upon us, and I couldn't be happier. If anyone out there wants to send me early X-mas presents, just get me gift certificates to the theater.

Here are my top ten picks for this holiday season:

10. Brokeback Mountain (Dec. 9)-- When I first heard of this movie, I thought it must be a joke. There was even a joke on South Park a few years ago that relates to this movie's plot (when Cartman says that all independent films are just gay cowboys eating pudding). While there's no pudding (that I know of) the film does center around two Wyoming cowboys in 1963 who fall in love, played by Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. There's been a lot of buzz surrounding the film. Its director, Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon), even took home the top prize at this year's Venice Film Festival.

9. Walk the Line (Nov. 18)-- One of this generation's best actors, Jaoquin Phoenix, stars as the Man in Black himself (Johnny Cash, of course) in this bio-pic about the legendary singer's life. This could turn out to be this year's Ray if the director treats Cash's life with the same openness, honesty, and "warts-and-all" attitude that Taylor Hackford did with Ray Charles. Reese Witherspoon also stars as June Carter Cash.

8. The Producers (Dec. 23)-- How do you make a movie/musical from a Broadway musical that was made from a movie? Like this, I guess. Here's hoping that the laughs can translate from screen to stage and back to screen. This shouldn't be difficult with the two stars that have been packing the Broadway seats, as well as taking home Tony after Tony-- Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick.

7. Memoirs of a Geisha (Dec. 9)-- Rob Marshall (Chicago) directs this adaptation of Arthur Golden's best-selling novel. Ziyi Zhang (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) stars as a young girl in pre-World War II Japan who rises through the ranks of the geisha profession.

6. Fun with Dick and Jane (Dec. 21)-- Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni star in this remake of a married couple that has a secret life-- they rob banks to pay the bills. I'm usually not to keen on remakes (but Hollywood doesn't release much else these days), but with Carrey (genius) and Leoni (underrated), this movie should be, as the title suggests, fun.

5. Chicken Little (Nov. 4)-- This movie has a lot riding on its shoulders: Can Disney make a quality CGI film post-Pixar? The adaptation of the classic tale does invovle a unique twist (aliens? crop circles?), which will make or break the movie. Zach Braff (Scrubs) provides the voice for the title character.

4. Jarhead (Nov. 4)-- It's been three years since we've seen a film from director Sam Mendes, and it (Road to Perdition) was received with mixed reviews (not nearly the amount of praise as 1999's American Beauty). This film, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, is based on Anthony Swofford's best-selling book about his experiences in Saudi Arabia and in Kuwait before and during Desert Storm. Also starring: Jamie Foxx and Peter Sarsgaard.

3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Nov. 18)-- What can you expect from the fourth Potter film? More of the same? Hardly. Alfonso Cuaron reinvigorated the franchise by amping up the "darkness" of the film. Mike Newell (Four Weddings and a Funeral) follows in his footsteps and, judging by the trailer, appears to have one-upped Cuaron in the darkness department. This instalment follows Harry and company as the Tri-Wizard Tournament comes to Hogwarts, and those of you who've read the book (there are few who haven't) know that there is plenty of darkness to go 'round.

2. King Kong (Dec. 14)-- Peter Jackson follows his uber-successful Lord of the Rings trilogy with this remake of the 1933 original. Unless you've been under a rock for the past few months, you've seen the trailer for this movie. Kong looks great-- the WETA team once again uses Andy Serkis for the motion-capture movements-- as do the dinosaurs. And Jackson claims that the special effects aren't even completely finished yet, so they can only get better. Starring Jack Black, Adrien Brody, and Naomi Watts, this movie is poised to trample the box office this Christmas.

1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (Dec. 9)-- Deciding on my number one pick was difficult-- it came down to King Kong and this movie... and, as you can see, Narnia won out. These top two also share something else between them (besides my anticipation): WETA is working on this film, too, and they appear to have outdone themselves in the art direction and special effects department. After both cartoon and live-action (ick!) versions, Andrew Adamson's (Shrek, Shrek 2) version looks to be the definitive film adaptation of the first of C.S. Lewis's beloved Chronicles of Narnia. Hopefully, this film will do well so that the other books will be made into films as well. I can't wait until The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Okay, there's my list. What would make your list? Would it look similar to mine, or completely different? Let me know!

Ask a Neanderthal

2005-10-04T08:27:00.000-04:00

Are you at a loss? Do you have a question and can't find an answer anywhere? You can stop looking, you silly bastard!

Welcome to the first installment of another series on my blog - the "Ask" series, where I will invite a guest blogger to answer all of your pressing questions... about life, love, and all things in between. This week, a Neanderthal man is here to address your life's most troublesome queries.

Review: Serenity

2005-10-03T19:10:00.000-04:00

Eureka! Serenity is finally out, and I couldn't be happier. For those who've waited months for this film to debut, it will not disappoint; and for those of you who have no clue as to what the hell this movie is, you just might find a cinematic delight (pardon the rhyme).

It picks up six months after the final episode of Firefly (the cancelled 2002 Fox series that the movie is based on) and follows the (mis)adventures of Captain Mal Reynolds and his crew of smugglers/pirates/thieves aboard the rickety "firefly" class spaceship called Serenity. Among his passengers are a young girl named River who has mysterious psychic and physical abilities (i.e. she knows what's going on in the next room - or a galaxy away - and she can kick anybody's ass). The government - called the Alliance, which is made up of earth's superpowers, America and China - wants River back in their custody and will kill anyone who stands in their way.

The movie does have its problems. There are a few lags in the pacing, but the main complaint I have is about the characters. The show's best aspect was how the different crewmembers (nine of them in all) interacted with each other. In the movie version, a few of the characters are relegated to "supporting cast" status (and in some cases, have hardly any screen time at all). While this does leave more room for Mal (Nathan Fillion, above) to shine, it lessens the other characters and thereby dampens one of the qualities that made the show such a blast to watch.

But this is the only big negative I can think of. The writing is spot on (as with the TV series), with writer and first-time feature director Joss Whedon's trademark mix of humor and poignancy, and the acting, for the most part (*cough* Simon *cough*), is well-done. The real break-out star of the movie, as I've somewhat mentioned before, is Nathan Fillion. Continuing the role he crafted in the series, his Captain Reynolds could have easily turned into "Han Solo Lite" in lesser hands, but Fillion fills the role with his own brand of wit, sincerety, brashness, and humanity that gives Mal a life of his own.

As I mentioned in my previous blog concerning this movie, there is the possibility of movie sequels, but how those sequels will play out is uncertain, considering some of the plot developments in the film - I don't want to get too specific so as to ruin the movie's surprise(s). I would highly recommend this movie to fans of the series, and I think newcomers would consider it an enjoyable movie, as well (and could hopefully result in new Firefly fans).

Grade: (for fans) A-
(for everyone else) B

Introducing Dr. C. August McGillicutty, Guest Blogger

2005-09-30T10:47:00.000-04:00

Whiddly-wussup, homies? Scooter has invited me to become a regular guest blogger on his site. He told me that I could write about whatever the crizzap I wanted, so here's my first installment. Hopefully, I won't disappoint Scooter or you...

Let's see, what's in the news today... Apparently there's been some kind of natural disaster. Some Americans are blaming the President and his administration for not responding fast enough, but I blame Hollywood. Where are the movies about Katrina? You can churn out sequel after sequel about a certain teen wizard, but you can't make one movie about a flood? Well, I guess there was Waterworld, but who actually watched that one? Nobody, that's who. And, besides, I think those actors from Beverly Hills 90210 are available to star. They're due for comebacks.

Speaking of Hollywood, what the shit's up with all the celebrity babies? First Britkev Spederline has one, then Bennifer Garflek are about to have one, and now all celebrities want babies. I'm all for reproduction, as most ladies know, but do we need any more spoiled, weird-named tots roaming the streets of California? Give it a rest already! I'm still trying to recover from baby Apple. What's next-- a bun in the oven for Oprah and Stedman?

And speaking of sex, I just want to go on the record as saying that I love cloning! I'm all for it. Don't listen to that biased, uninformed propaganda of the religious community or the recent Star Wars prequels. Clones are awesome! If it was up to me, I'd require every human, animal, plant, and Native American to get a clone. Who couldn't use one? I know I could. My clone and I could ride through the park on one of those bicycles for two. Then we could get into all kinds of hijinks involving sexy women and running through the airport. If there's anything movies have taught us, it's that running through an airport always leads to a happy ending!

Until next time, good bloggers!

Blog on with your bad selves!

--Dr. C. August McGillicutty

Coldplay: Philips Arena - 9.28.05

2005-09-29T08:56:00.000-04:00

I saw Coldplay in concert last night. This was the second time I've seen them live; well, third if you count the time I went to see them and the venue suddenly canceled the show due to inclimate weather, then Chris Martin and Jonny Buckland came out into the parkling lot for an impromtu acoustic performance of several songs, including "Georgia on My Mind."

This concert (at the Philips Arena) was better than the last. It rocked my face off. Literally. I have no face anymore. I'm looking into reconstructive surgery.

Anyway, they played a good mix of their old and new stuff. Some of my personal favorites were "Politik," "Yellow" (of course), "Talk," "Square One," "White Shadows," and "Don't Panic." They also covered "Ring of Fire," which was great.

The highlight of the show was when Michael Stipe (frontman of REM, for those of you who for some ungodly reason don't know) came on stage to sing "Nightswimming" while Chris played the piano. I think I passed out standing up.

Needless to say, the show was great. If you ever get the chance to see this band live, do it. Their music sounds great live (some bands tend to sound craptastic on stage, even if their albums are good), and you can really tell they love what they do and appreciate their fans.

And to top it all off, when I got home (at around two o'clock in the morning) I checked my email and found out a journal wants to publish a story of mine. Hip-hip-hooray!

Shark vs. Liger

2005-09-28T14:29:00.000-04:00

This would be the battle of the century: a shark versus a liger. Who would emerge victorious?

Tell me who you think would win: What would the fight be like? What advantages would one creature have over the other? Would the shark devour the liger? Would the liger magically turn the shark inside out?

You must decide!

4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42... and 411

2005-09-26T17:09:00.000-04:00

Let's be honest-- television networks are constantly struggling to find quality programming, and every year only a handful of shows stand out.

Within the past several years, however, TV has been the new go-to spot for quality entertainment, as opposed to going to the movies. With shows like 24, The Sopranos, Arrested Development, Desperate Housewives, Deadwood, Alias, The Wire, The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Six Feet Under (recently deceased), television has never been better.

And then there's Lost. No show, save for the first few seasons of The X-files, has captured the viewing public's interest as this show has. And it's no surprise. With a mix of sci-fi, horror, comedy, drama, action, and mystery (good god, the mystery), this show has found the perfect balance of being able to leave its viewers equally satisfied and craving more.

If you're not a fan of the show, what the hell are you doing on the computer reading my blog? Go right now and rent or buy the first season of Lost on DVD. If you are a fan, you know of the head-scratching puzzles of which I speak: What brought them to this island? What's the deal with Locke's "miracle"? What's the meaning of Hurley's numbers (besides being seemingly cursed, and etched into the hatch)? And, by the way, what's with that hatch (those of you who've seen the season two opener know a little something more about the hatch, but there are still many questions left unanswered)? Who are "the others"? What's that monster in the jungle? Are they dead and existing in the afterlife, or purgatory, and don't even realize it? And what the hell are polar bears doing on the island?

I'm posting this to start a discussion on your theories of the show-- any topic, as long as it relates to Lost.

Oh, and if you don't keep up regularly with the show, I'll use this opportunity to issue a spoiler warning-- people may leave comments discussing, in detail, the plots of certain episodes, so you might want to steer clear if you don't like having things ruined.

Shameless Self-Promotion

2005-09-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

The first short story I ever had published was called "Ballad of Old Bones," which appeared in issue number 66 of Crazyhorse. The second story of mine that was published was "Trace" in a journal called Redivider (that's the magazine's picture to the right; it's the actual cover of the issue I'm in). They chose my story from the issue to post online, in addition to having it appear in print. If you'd like to give the story a look, here's the link:

http://pages.emerson.edu/publications/redivider/2.1_Hughes.html

If you care, give it a read and let me know what you think.

Review: The Corpse Bride

2005-09-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. How surprising is it that I post a review of a movie starring Johnny Depp right after I post an admission of my man crush for him? Ah, so is life. Anyhoo, on with the review...

Let me start by saying that the art direction on this movie is astounding. The sets are beautifully eerie, and the puppets, while reminiscent of those from Burton's previous forray into stop-motion moviemaking (The Nightmare Before Christmas), surpsass Jack Skellington and company. At many points in the movie, you'll find yourself thinking, "This has to be computer-generated!"

But, alas, the art direction is the best aspect of the movie. That's not to say that the movie as a whole is bad, though. It does have its moments.

Victor (voiced by Depp) is the only son of the Van Dort family, members of the nouveau riche. As the movie opens, we learn that the next day he is to be married to Victoria (Emily Watson), daughter of the once-rich-but-now-poor Everglots; for her parents, the marriage is a means of regaining the wealth they somehow lost. Victor, nervous about his upcoming nuptials, escapes to the nearby creepy forest to practice his vows and while doing so mistakenly marries the Corpse Bride (Helena Bonham Carter).

It is at this point in the movie that the narrative becomes strained, as if Burton (and other writers, including John August, screenwriter of Big Fish) couldn't think of much more of a story. Some sight gags and other jokes at the expense of the ghouls that inhabit the land of the dead seem as though they were included simply to fill time. If this were a short film, say a third of the length, it would benefit from the tightening of the narrative.

The songs also feel included to mostly stretch out the movie into a full-length feature. The best song is the opening number, which is sad to say, since musically it means that it's "all downhill from there" (except, of course, for Danny Elfman's score - Burton and Elfman, a marriage made in some creepy Burtonesque netherworld). I was waiting for some of those great memorable numbers, a la Nightmare, but they never came.

All of this sounds as if I hated the movie, but that's far from the truth. It's just that I've been waiting for another Burton puppet movie for over ten years, so this movie has some big shoes to fill. It's still a great movie to see, if only for the spectacle.

Grade: B+

Man Crush?

2005-09-23T14:58:00.000-04:00

Guys, have you ever looked at a male celebrity and thought, "Hey, I'd like to hug his muscles in a totally heterosexual way"?

Girls, have you ever gazed at a female celebrity and wondered what it would be like to cuddle spoon fashion with her on the couch?

If so, then you have a man crush (if you're a guy) or a girl crush (if you're a girl).

Over the years, I came to realize that I had a strange fascination with Johnny Depp. It wasn't sexual (I'm totally straight and married to a wonderful woman, by the way); it wasn't even romantic. And it wasn't like I wanted to be Johnny Depp, either. Strange, new feelings were brewing inside me... a man crush.

Since I am secure in my sexuality (nothing against homosexuality-- I'm all for it if that's for you) I feel like I can talk about these feelings to others. And I know I'm not the only one out there. I've talked to plenty of other people out there (guys and girls) who have these crushes on celebrities such as Vin Diesel, Tom Cruise, Kate Winslet, and Jennifer Garner.

So, speak out! Let your man (or girl) crush be known!

Here There Be Simpsons!

2005-09-23T10:07:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that The Simpsons is one of my favorite shows. It is also one of the best television shows of all time. That's not my opinion. It's just a fact. Sorry.

I just wanted to hear some of your favorite Simpson quotes or moments. (Or if you don't watch the show, explain to me why the hell you don't.)

Some of my favorite moments:

1. In "Bart the Daredevil": Homer attempts to jump the gorge on Bart's skateboard, only to fall to the bottom... twice.

--This is just classic television and one of the moments that defined the series early on. What makes the gag is when Homer is loaded into the ambulance, it immediately crashes, and Homer slips out the back on a stretcher and falls into the gorge again.

2. In "Treehouse of Horror X" during the segment "I Know What You Diddily-Iddly-Did": The Simpsons are riding in their car down a foggy road. Lisa says that she can't believe that they escaped from those horrible vampires, and Homer replies that it was worth it to get back their Sugar Crisp Cereal. Then he sings the Sugar Crisp jingle: "Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp!"

--The Halloween episodes are some of my all-time favorites. I don't know exactly why this moment stands out for me. It just tickles my fancy. Yes, I said tickles my fancy.

3. In "Eight Misbehavin'": Homer and Apu break into the zoo to rescue Apu's octuplets. As they take the babies from the zoo, a mother gorilla appears at the front gates and holds her baby up for Homer to take with him, to which Homer replies, "Okay, this is getting weird."

--This moment perfectly aligns with my sense of humor. One of my friends once told me that Homer's reply in this moment sounds exactly like something I would say (although I can't imagine myself being in this situation, being offered a gorilla baby while helping a friend rescue his octuplets from the zoo).

Okay, now let's hear your favorite moments (or excuses for not watching)...

Serenity: Better Late Than Never

2005-09-23T09:21:00.000-04:00

For fans (aka Browncoats) of Joss Whedon's critically-acclaimed, but seldom-watched, sci-fi show Firefly, the movie version-- Serenity-- seemed as though it would never arrive, if it was even produced. But now, thankfully, its release is upon us. After being pushed back from a March/April release, it will finally see the light of day next Friday, September 30th.

For those of you (and there are many) who have never seen the show, I encourage you to do so immediately. You have a week-- go out and buy or rent the complete series on DVD. There are only about sixteen episodes (some of which never aired), so you can get through them easily before next Friday. As other fans can attest, this is a show that doesn't disappoint. It is a breath of fresh air for the sci-fi genre-- and even though I like Star Trek as much as the next geek, Firefly doesn't feel boring or "diplomatic" as some Trek episodes tend to.

I'm sure that Whedon has written the movie so that newbies won't feel lost while watching, but by seeing the entire series beforehand, you can get right into the movie instead of wasting time trying to figure out what's going on.

This was a wonderful show that was cancelled before it really had time to shine (although it was shiny while it lasted). Please support Serenity when it hits theaters next week. Hopefully, this franchise, that has risen from the grave, will flourish. There is already talk of movie sequels if the first one does well.

And with Captain Tightpants, how could it not do well?