Ask a Neanderthal
Are you at a loss? Do you have a question and can't find an answer anywhere? You can stop looking, you silly bastard!
Welcome to the first installment of another series on my blog - the "Ask" series, where I will invite a guest blogger to answer all of your pressing questions... about life, love, and all things in between. This week, a Neanderthal man is here to address your life's most troublesome queries.
posted by Scooter @ 8:27 AM
9 Comments:
How to I suppress my animal urges to strangle my office manager? Or should I just give in, leap through the door of her office, howling at the sky, and rip out her esophagus? If the latter, any tips? Should I club her first? Thanks and best regards
Dear Og,
Recently a co-worker and I started seeing each other and the relationship quickly evolved into a sexual one. Now he wants to end things, but I'm still in love. However, he warnted me that if I don't agree to break up, he'll post nude pictures of me on a memo and he'll send it around the office. What should I do?
Signed,
Naked in Nebraska
This tough situation. But must ask yourself: If you do kill her, can you use carcass? Will she make good food for family clan, or will she be stringy or chewy? Can you make clothes from her hide or tools from her bones? If you answer yes, hunt and kill office manager. If no, let her lead you to others who may be more useful.
By the way, last post for sarathena.
Now, dear "Naked in Nebraska,"
This also tough situation. Must treat like you are hunting rabbit, not mammoth. I say make him necklace of bone and gourds painted with red ocre (just don't swallow ocre; archaeologists found that it contain lead; bad for Og). If necklace don't work, club him over head, pull down his pants, and take naked picture of him for blackmail. If he post your picture, you post his.
As for love, if he really love you, he not hurt you.
Dear Og,
How did you finally beat level 5 of "Princess Diaries: Late Night Ghost Stories and Hair Braiding"?
Is Og short for Lobdell or Globdimetrius?
Your name is go backwards. Do you go backwards?
Do you remember that time in Judson's class when Lin Pham wrote about stinky rats smelling worse than her brother's poop?
The robins were singing you a song today: they said
"ook dadda, da moon"
and then some real big skeeters broke through the glass at Nail-do-well in Tamrack the camera case town.
Dear Jonathan,
You man of many questions. You are like man with fire in head.
Me beat level 5 by finding hero inside myself. Also, me set fire to Playstation.
Og short for Ogdelldemetrius.
Me not go backwards. Me not swing that way. Unless... No, me definitely not swing that way.
Me remember Lin K. Pham. Her fiction smell ten times worse than Shing Lau's crap.
Dear Og,
I have a good friend that loves to sing a song called "Prodigal Son." Unfortunately, he always mispronounces the word "prodigal." How do I tell him he's wrong, without dashing all his dreams of becoming a famous broadway star?
I have another friend that loves short pants and struggles with "acne face." How do I tell her we just can't be friends anymore, especially after she puked a little in a tiny ceramic mug in front of a classroom of people?
And finally, I have a friend that looks like a pair of Gorilla slippers. I'll call him "furcula" to protect his identity. Should I stop wearing these slippers to bed every night?
Thanks for all your help, Og!
Dear Amy,
Your choice of friends is strange, but that beside point. Me try give advice...
As for "Prodigal Son," he no get nowhere on broadway unless you tell him he make mistake. The trick is how to let him down easy. I say present him with handful of berries or nice hunk of sabertooth tiger.
As for "Short Pants Acne Face," it always hard to break up with friend, sometimes harder than breaking up with boy/girlfriend. Best way is to blame self - say, "It not you, it me," or "I bring you down, I hold you back." If that not work, throw ceramic mug of puke at her and run.
And as for "Furcula," you can still wear slippers as long as you not tell person your secret. It only hurt his feelings. Some of us are born with protruding brows and large, ape-like lips. We can't help it.
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