Chillin' Like a Villain

Freddy Krueger... Jason Voorhees... Dracula... the Wolfman... Waxhead. Everyone has a favorite movie monster or villain. At this time of the year, one of my favorites by the way, I like to watch scary movies. If I didn't have to work, I'd probably sit at home all day and watch horror movies around the clock. Alas, I have bills to pay...

A few of my favorites, you ask?

Sauron from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You can't get much scarier than a huge, flaming eye at the top of a tower. Those ringwraiths were pretty creepy, too.

The zombies from the original Night of the Living Dead. George A. Romero's classic movie redefined horror cinema, and his eerie lumbering undead devouring human flesh can still beat most horror movies today in the nightmare department.

One of the best actors to ever portray the Count onscreen was Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula. If you haven't seen this version of Bram Stoker's famous tale, you have to. And now's the best time of year to watch it. Turn the lights off, make your house a little chilly to add to the effect, and turn up the volume. I guarantee you'll have a hard time sleeping that night...

Who are your favorite movie evil-doers? You don't have to limit these to scary/horror movie monsters; any villain will do.

Ask a Grizzled Old Prospector

Are you at a loss? Do you have a question and can't find an answer anywhere? You can stop looking, you silly bastard!

Welcome to the "Ask" series, where I invite a guest blogger to answer all of your pressing questions... about life, love, and all things in between. This week, a grizzled old prospector is here to address your life's most troublesome queries.

DeLay in DeDoo-Doo

Another Republican has to face the music. Tisk, tisk. Will they ever learn? I just thought I'd post this picture because it made me laugh like hell. Former House majority leader (and notorious Bush buddy) Tom DeLay was indicted for conspiracy and money laundering, so he had to get fingerprinted and have his mugshot photo taken. As you can see, he's smiling like the dipshit that he is. Who smiles in a mugshot? (If you'd like to read about the charges against him, and other upstanding Republican leaders, click here or here.)

'Cheeseburger Bill' in Congress... WTF???

Apparently, people are too stupid to realize that eating tons of fast-food can be bad for you. Who'da thunk it?

The House just passed what's known as the "Cheeseburger Bill," which will stop people from bringing lawsuits against fast-food chains for "making them fat." (You can read the CNN.com article here.)

The fact that our country has to pass legislation preventing people from blaming others for their own foibles makes me sad for humanity. Yes, obesity is a problem in our country. A big problem, pardon the pun. Forget terrorism and all that b.s. - the two biggest problems in America right now are obesity and education. We're stupid and fat.

And I think most of it stems from the "American" tendency to blame others for our own short-comings. When I say "short-comings" I'm not including something like poverty, which is something that most poverty-stricken people can't help. What I'm referring to is mainly... well, obesity and education. Parents and students alike want to place the blame for poor education on all kinds of sources, anything from the teachers to politicians to the word "evolution." I can tell you from my teaching experiences that the major reasons for our country's education problems lie in the students themselves (and subsequently the parents, as well) - the students don't respect teachers (because they're taught directly or indirectly that teaching is a worthless profession) and they simply don't want to learn. But I digress. Back to the topic at hand...

We need to take responsibility for our own health and well-being, instead of relying on the government to do it for us (Lord knows we don't need them interfering any more in our personal lives than they already do). What's next? Congress passing laws that prevent us from suing furniture manufacturers for making comfortable couches that cause us to sit around on our asses all day?

I recently began to take notice of my own unhealthy lifestyle. I've since started exercising every day and watching what I eat. You'd be surprised how many unnecessary calories sneak into your diet each day - even from foods that are advertised as "healthy." I'm not saying this to brag or point out how great I am or anything like that - I'm bringing it up just to say that for me this new-found health-consciousness has made me feel much better. Plus, I was starting to get a turkey neck, as you may can tell from my profile picture.

And I don't care if you cram McDonald's food down your throat all day, so long as you don't try to say that it's McDonald's fault you have a turkey neck.

South Park, Season Nine

The ninth season of one of TV's best shows - South Park - begins tonight (Comedy Central, 10 pm). Apparently, the episode confronts the issue of Hurricane Katrina - one of South Park's neighboring towns floods.

Although loved by critics and viewers alike, some tend to see this show simply at face value. They see cursing, vulgarity, and violence and turn their noses, instead of seeing those things for what they are - satirical critiques of our screwed up world. Those who are able to "get past" these qualities know that South Park is one of the most ingenious satirical social commentaries ever on television. Plus, its creators - Trey Parker and Matt Stone - are funny as hell. (Besides South Park, you should check out the puppet-tastic movie Team America: World Police as well.)

Parker and Stone were interviewed by the Associated Press recently about the show. You can read the interview here.

And please, tune in to the show tonight. I'm not begging for viewers (as I am with, say, Arrested Development) - South Park is still Comedy Central's most-watched show. I'm simply reminding those of you who are fans, as well as hoping to introduce the uninitiated to a wonderful show. Even if you don't like it, the questions it raises will make you think or want to argue, which I know many of you love to do.

Worst Movies Ever or Guilty Pleasures?

Admit it: If you own a lot of movies (or maybe even just a few), somewhere amongst your collection, or perhaps hidden away in the dusty confines of a sock drawer, are movies you're ashamed to love.

Now, I'm not referring to those movies that many people would consider, while cheesey, still good movies (i.e. Dirty Dancing or Ghost). I'm talking about movies of the SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 variety. Movies so bad that the DVD actually stinks a little, movies that your DVD player sometimes refuses to play, movies that have nearly melted those who've watched them (much like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark). Those movies.

Do you love Manos the Hands of Fate? Santa Claus Conquers the Martians maybe? Or does Glitter float your guilty boat?

Some of my favorite awful movies include, but are certainly not limited to:

* From Justin to Kelly - This movie musical is just too hokey to miss. And on top of the horrible lines, horrendous acting, and craptacular songs, this movie takes itself seriously.

Best moment: The one actually funny line in the whole movie occurs when Kelly tells Justin to sneak out of a restroom window, to which he replies, "My hair won't even fit through that."

* Gigli - Not only is this one of the worst movies, it is probably one of the worst titles ever. Amazingly, there is one thing about the movie that trumps the trainwreck that is Bennifer - the guy who plays the mentally challenged character Brian. He laughs, he raps, he loves Baywatch; and he plays his "handicap" differently in each scene. One minute he'll be mildly retarded, then the next he's severely Autistic like Rain Man, then he'll be completely normal.

Best moment: When Ben Affleck cuts off a dead guy's finger with a flimsy plastic knife.

* Piranha Part Two: The Spawning - One night a couple of friends and I had a total Mystery Science Theater 3000 moment with this one. Usually when you try to make funny comments about a movie you just end up sounding like a bunch of asses, but this movie was such an easy target.

Best moment: When a guy swims underwater for about thirty minutes on one breath.

* Leonard Part 6 - The Cos at his best/worst. It's great that there are no Leonards 1 through 5; that just adds to the suckiness.

Best moment: The climax of the movie when the Cos, decked out in his silver suit and quasi-futuristic helmet, rides an ostrich out of an exploding building.

So let me know of your guilty pleasure movies. (Note: The Internet Movie Database has a list of these types of movies called the Bottom 100.)

Review: Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

For those of you who've never seen any of the Wallace & Gromit shorts, let me begin by saying that you've really missed out. If you haven't seen The Wrong Trousers or A Close Shave, go out right now and find the newly released DVD, which includes these and several more. For Oscar nominated (and two-time Oscar winner) creator/co-director Nick Park, this marks his first foray into feature film directing, and what a debut it is. (And as of the writing of this review, it's number one at the box office.)

To get the unfamiliar acquainted, Wallace (the human) is a British inventor who loves the simple things in life, especially cheese. Gromit (his dog) never speaks a word - You expect dogs to talk? Tisk, tisk. You've been watching too many Disney cartoons - but is clearly the more intelligent of the two. That's basically all you need to know. Now, on to the movie.

The Curse of the Were-Rabbit picks up with Wallace (voiced by Peter Sallis) and Gromit having their own pest control agency, Anti-Pesto. Their town is overrun by rabbits, and this is a major concern for the townsfolk since they are only days away from the annual gigantic vegetable festival. So Wallace and Gromit are called out to deal with the critters. On one of these outings, Wallace meets Lady Tottington (voiced by Helena Bonham Carter), by whom he is immediately smitten. However, he also meets "Totty's" fiance, Victor (voiced by Ralph Fiennes), who prefers shooting the rabbits to humanely trapping them as Anti-Pesto does. Speaking of which, from all the trapping, Wallace and Gromit have cages and cages of rabbits in their home, so they decide to use one of Wallace's inventions - a kind of brainwashing machine - to make the rabbits no longer want to eat vegetables. But in doing so, they inadvertantly create a monster known as the Were-Rabbit, which they must then find a way of stopping before it devours everyone's prized gigantic veggies.

The clay-mation in this film is not of the same ilk as something like The Corpse Bride: The puppets are not as "stream-lined" or sleek; in fact, they still bear the fingerprints of their creators. But this does not detract one bit from the movie. Wallace & Gromit have always had their own style, and this film is bursting with it from the very first notes of their familiar theme music. The voice-acting is excellent, and the story, while simple, is fun to watch unfold. There are plenty of winks at other famous movies (especially old monster movies) and many Shrek-style double-entendres thrown in for "grown-ups." And, plus, much of the movie is just plain funny (unlike most of today's so-called "comedies"). I would recommend this family movie to anyone.

Grade: A

Things That Make You Go... Bwaaaaaah?

I know that all of you have seen or heard things that made you stop and stare in bewilderment. Maybe you said to yourself, "That's so stupid, I can't believe I just saw/heard that." The incident makes your brain feels like it's going to implode.

Example: I teach high school. Many of my students are, to put it nicely, not bright, so nearly every day I have at least one student say something so stupid that it actually makes me dumber just by hearing it. One particular instance comes to mind... All of my students were working on research papers, and I spent one whole day going over how to do outlines (you know, those things where you use letters and Roman numerals to organize your paper before you write it). A few days later the students were turning in their outlines. One student handed in his outline, and instead of having Roman numerals for each category he just had regular numbers. I must have made some kind of face while looking at his paper because he saw me staring at it and said (and this is the part that made my brain implode), "I had to use regular numbers because my computer keyboard didn't have Roman numerals."

I'll just give you a second to let that soak in...

Wait for it...

Yeah. Stupid, huh? And while I stared at him trying simultaneously not to laugh and have an aneurysm, another student said to this guy, "You dummy, Roman numerals are just capital I's and V's."

And here's another example, also from my experiences teaching: This happened in one of the college classes I've taught. We were right in the middle of a discussion on an essay when a student (his name was Hans) ripped the loudest, juiciest fart I've ever heard. The other students, of course, giggled nervously, but I was so stunned I didn't know how to respond. On the one hand it was pretty funny, so I wanted to laugh, but on the other hand I knew that since I was the professor I had to set a mature example. But before I could stop myself, my mouth opened and I realized I was about to laugh. I tried to stop myself from laughing, but instead a weird noise came out of my mouth (close approximation: Baaaaaaaaaaaah). And if that wasn't enough, I happened to be staring the guy eye-to-eye at the exact moment he let it rip, and he was giving me this look like, "What are you gonna do about it?"

So, what are some of these moments that you've experienced?

'05 Holiday Movie Season-- Huzzah!

Whew! I thought the holiday movie season would never get here this year. After a dismal start to the year (Elektra, anyone?) and the usual few summer gems (Batman Begins, anyone?), the major studios are primed to release their Christmas blockbusters and Oscar hopefuls. The season is nearly upon us, and I couldn't be happier. If anyone out there wants to send me early X-mas presents, just get me gift certificates to the theater.

Here are my top ten picks for this holiday season:

10. Brokeback Mountain (Dec. 9)-- When I first heard of this movie, I thought it must be a joke. There was even a joke on South Park a few years ago that relates to this movie's plot (when Cartman says that all independent films are just gay cowboys eating pudding). While there's no pudding (that I know of) the film does center around two Wyoming cowboys in 1963 who fall in love, played by Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. There's been a lot of buzz surrounding the film. Its director, Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon), even took home the top prize at this year's Venice Film Festival.

9. Walk the Line (Nov. 18)-- One of this generation's best actors, Jaoquin Phoenix, stars as the Man in Black himself (Johnny Cash, of course) in this bio-pic about the legendary singer's life. This could turn out to be this year's Ray if the director treats Cash's life with the same openness, honesty, and "warts-and-all" attitude that Taylor Hackford did with Ray Charles. Reese Witherspoon also stars as June Carter Cash.

8. The Producers (Dec. 23)-- How do you make a movie/musical from a Broadway musical that was made from a movie? Like this, I guess. Here's hoping that the laughs can translate from screen to stage and back to screen. This shouldn't be difficult with the two stars that have been packing the Broadway seats, as well as taking home Tony after Tony-- Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick.

7. Memoirs of a Geisha (Dec. 9)-- Rob Marshall (Chicago) directs this adaptation of Arthur Golden's best-selling novel. Ziyi Zhang (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) stars as a young girl in pre-World War II Japan who rises through the ranks of the geisha profession.

6. Fun with Dick and Jane (Dec. 21)-- Jim Carrey and Tea Leoni star in this remake of a married couple that has a secret life-- they rob banks to pay the bills. I'm usually not to keen on remakes (but Hollywood doesn't release much else these days), but with Carrey (genius) and Leoni (underrated), this movie should be, as the title suggests, fun.

5. Chicken Little (Nov. 4)-- This movie has a lot riding on its shoulders: Can Disney make a quality CGI film post-Pixar? The adaptation of the classic tale does invovle a unique twist (aliens? crop circles?), which will make or break the movie. Zach Braff (Scrubs) provides the voice for the title character.

4. Jarhead (Nov. 4)-- It's been three years since we've seen a film from director Sam Mendes, and it (Road to Perdition) was received with mixed reviews (not nearly the amount of praise as 1999's American Beauty). This film, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, is based on Anthony Swofford's best-selling book about his experiences in Saudi Arabia and in Kuwait before and during Desert Storm. Also starring: Jamie Foxx and Peter Sarsgaard.

3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Nov. 18)-- What can you expect from the fourth Potter film? More of the same? Hardly. Alfonso Cuaron reinvigorated the franchise by amping up the "darkness" of the film. Mike Newell (Four Weddings and a Funeral) follows in his footsteps and, judging by the trailer, appears to have one-upped Cuaron in the darkness department. This instalment follows Harry and company as the Tri-Wizard Tournament comes to Hogwarts, and those of you who've read the book (there are few who haven't) know that there is plenty of darkness to go 'round.

2. King Kong (Dec. 14)-- Peter Jackson follows his uber-successful Lord of the Rings trilogy with this remake of the 1933 original. Unless you've been under a rock for the past few months, you've seen the trailer for this movie. Kong looks great-- the WETA team once again uses Andy Serkis for the motion-capture movements-- as do the dinosaurs. And Jackson claims that the special effects aren't even completely finished yet, so they can only get better. Starring Jack Black, Adrien Brody, and Naomi Watts, this movie is poised to trample the box office this Christmas.

1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (Dec. 9)-- Deciding on my number one pick was difficult-- it came down to King Kong and this movie... and, as you can see, Narnia won out. These top two also share something else between them (besides my anticipation): WETA is working on this film, too, and they appear to have outdone themselves in the art direction and special effects department. After both cartoon and live-action (ick!) versions, Andrew Adamson's (Shrek, Shrek 2) version looks to be the definitive film adaptation of the first of C.S. Lewis's beloved Chronicles of Narnia. Hopefully, this film will do well so that the other books will be made into films as well. I can't wait until The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Okay, there's my list. What would make your list? Would it look similar to mine, or completely different? Let me know!

Ask a Neanderthal

Are you at a loss? Do you have a question and can't find an answer anywhere? You can stop looking, you silly bastard!

Welcome to the first installment of another series on my blog - the "Ask" series, where I will invite a guest blogger to answer all of your pressing questions... about life, love, and all things in between. This week, a Neanderthal man is here to address your life's most troublesome queries.

Review: Serenity

Eureka! Serenity is finally out, and I couldn't be happier. For those who've waited months for this film to debut, it will not disappoint; and for those of you who have no clue as to what the hell this movie is, you just might find a cinematic delight (pardon the rhyme).

It picks up six months after the final episode of Firefly (the cancelled 2002 Fox series that the movie is based on) and follows the (mis)adventures of Captain Mal Reynolds and his crew of smugglers/pirates/thieves aboard the rickety "firefly" class spaceship called Serenity. Among his passengers are a young girl named River who has mysterious psychic and physical abilities (i.e. she knows what's going on in the next room - or a galaxy away - and she can kick anybody's ass). The government - called the Alliance, which is made up of earth's superpowers, America and China - wants River back in their custody and will kill anyone who stands in their way.

The movie does have its problems. There are a few lags in the pacing, but the main complaint I have is about the characters. The show's best aspect was how the different crewmembers (nine of them in all) interacted with each other. In the movie version, a few of the characters are relegated to "supporting cast" status (and in some cases, have hardly any screen time at all). While this does leave more room for Mal (Nathan Fillion, above) to shine, it lessens the other characters and thereby dampens one of the qualities that made the show such a blast to watch.

But this is the only big negative I can think of. The writing is spot on (as with the TV series), with writer and first-time feature director Joss Whedon's trademark mix of humor and poignancy, and the acting, for the most part (*cough* Simon *cough*), is well-done. The real break-out star of the movie, as I've somewhat mentioned before, is Nathan Fillion. Continuing the role he crafted in the series, his Captain Reynolds could have easily turned into "Han Solo Lite" in lesser hands, but Fillion fills the role with his own brand of wit, sincerety, brashness, and humanity that gives Mal a life of his own.

As I mentioned in my previous blog concerning this movie, there is the possibility of movie sequels, but how those sequels will play out is uncertain, considering some of the plot developments in the film - I don't want to get too specific so as to ruin the movie's surprise(s). I would highly recommend this movie to fans of the series, and I think newcomers would consider it an enjoyable movie, as well (and could hopefully result in new Firefly fans).

Grade: (for fans) A-
(for everyone else) B